Diary Of A Reborn Truth Fairy: The Podcast
This post is the transcribed version of the original audio podcast. This is indented for those who would rather read and for those who may be hearing impaired.
The oldest and the protector at heart.. It’s just in me… Big sister is she.. 👩🏽
Welcome to Diary Of A Reborn Truth Fairy I am your host Liz. I just want to say thank you for being here. Here we are, episode 2, lets do it!!
So to give you all some structure on my sibling dynamic. I am the only child between my parents. And because things happen, people move on… That is how I ended up with 2 more siblings on each side. I have 2 sisters, Laura and Francesca, on my moms side and I have a sister and a brother, Vanessa and Isaac, on my dads side. But because I lived with my mom I naturally spent a lot more time creating a relationship with Laura and Francesca than I did with Vanessa and Isaac. And although that’s unfortunate, that’s just sadly the way it is.
You know I, when I was younger I didn’t understand why I had to go back and forth. And now that I’m older I get it, of course. But I just thought I was alone in that. When in reality there are so many families out here who have to do that. Who have to bounce a child back and forth round and round and that affects us. And if you are a child who had to do that, or someone who had to go from moms house to dads house back to moms house you know every week or every weekend you know exactly what I am talking about.
So I was really trying to think about some of my fondest memories with my siblings and you know I was actually talking to my sister last week and she brought up one of the things that I was going to talk about. Her and I (my sister Laura) we created an entire dance routine to “No Scrubs” by TLC (https://youtu.be/FrLequ6dUdM) and I was telling her like “yo we were the OG TikTokers”! 😂🤪 You know, we didn’t have that technology back then. I remember we were like all hand movements and no feet at all. So I was like “hey look at us”, we were the OGs.
Then you know, I have my sister Francesca, oh my goodness this little girl, she use to, and I call her little girl, she’s not a little girl anymore, she’s grown. But she use to watch Malibu's Most Wanted (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0328099/). And if you have ever seen that movie you know that a little girl, at that time I was a teenager, so a little girl should not be watching that movie.😂 So if you know what I’m talking about, you know what I’m talking about. If you know you know. Way too young. And I’m still trying to figure out how the hell she got away with watching that movie.
I have my sister Vanessa, you know, my sister Vanessa was always my shadow. She wanted to do everything I did. And you know she was just trying to copy her big sister. At the time of course, you know, again you know if you're a big sister, or a big brother you know how annoying that can be. But in the moments growing up you realize those are things to cherish. And I definitely cherish that. 🖤
And of course my brother, he is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He was a sweet kid when he was little, and he still a really sweet guy now.
I’m super, super hella proud of them, ALL of them..
But I have a love hate relationship with being the oldest sibling.
And I love that I’ve gotten to know them their entire lives. I think that’s a bonus like hey, I’ve known you since you came out of the womb. Watching them grow up, turning into adults, complete huge and really awesome milestones. Some of them have created children of their own, and I love those little beings that you guys created. And that shit makes me proud. I’m a proud big sister as I talk here today.
I recall crying a lot tears of joy like a damn baby any time they did really beautiful things. Because to me they are my babies. And I would do anything for you guys. Actually still to this day I call them my babies, because they are my babies.
And this big sister life, it really hasn’t been easy for me. I can admit that in my absence when they were in their prime years and my choices in my own personal life really altered my bond with them over time. And I regret that everyday. And that’s why it’s not easy to deal with, but I’m working on that. I’m working on it, I go to therapy, I talk about it. And one of the things I’ve learned with therapy is that you actually have to speak about the things that are hurting you. Because really it’s no sense in holding it all in. You have to let it all out. Whether we tell it to our siblings or not.
You know what I’m saying?
So what I hate, and I won’t say that I hate, because I don’t hate big sister life.
But one of the things that has brought me down is that I’ve had to deal with hella anxiety of living up to this expectation of being their role model. And that shit is hard, imagine your parent looks at you and says “you’re the role model, you need to act right”. Like that’s hard, I’m just a child. Or like today as I speak, I only have a real relationship with one of my four siblings. And of course the ongoing battle of feeling like I have to prove myself worthy to them. To be honest I realize now that my healing journey is telling me that I don’t need to prove to anyone but myself that I’m worthy. I just have to prove that to me and me only. And we have to learn to keep moving in life to keep growing with or without some of the very people we call family. And I know some of you feel that way.
So on my journey of creating a better version of myself. I’m realizing the past is the past and there’s nothing that I do to change what happened. But the only thing I can change is how I maneuver in the future. That shit really opened my eyes. So when the day comes that we can see eye to eye again I’ll be ready to receive with an open heart. And if that’s not our ultimate goal to be able to receive then…why? I really look forward to the day that happens because I really do love my sisters and my brother. I really do.
I took some time to write a little message to each one of them. Whether they hear this or not, you know, it’s all good. It’s out there, I’ve written it. I may not have said it directly to them but this is just one step into my healing journey.
To: Issac
I've always said you were kind and a sweet guy and I thank you for always being just that. Because I really admire that about you. Dad keeps me updated. He tells me everything. I always ask him how you’re doing? And I’m really really proud of you! I’m really proud of the man, the husband, the dad, which I can not believe that you are a dad. 🤯 But I’m really proud of that. Stay loving little brother. I love you! 🖤
To: Vanessa
This one hurts the most, and because I don’t want to speak too much into detail about it. I just want to say, I’m not sure how or why things happened the way that they did but I want you to know that I fought to prove that I had nothing to do with what happened. And unfortunately, you or anyone else wanted to believe me, and that’s ok, because I’ve come to terms with that that. And I didn't understand it then but I do now. Regardless of that tearing us apart I see pictures of you and the kids and I know you are happy, healthy and a loving mom and that keeps my mind at peace. So I hope that one day the truth is revealed to you and that we could move forward. I love you. 🖤
To: Francesca
I'm hella proud of your choices and milestones you have achieved in life. And despite our 10 year age difference we’ve always found a way to bond (and maybe that's why I've always been so protective over you) but I wish…there’s one thing that I wish. I wish that you could see me for who I am today and not who you “think” I am. Unfortunately you've been fed bullshit and lies about me.. And that's nothing I can control and I'm affirming that one day you’ll be given the chance to see things with your own eyes. Regardless of that NOTHING has changed about how much I love you. 🖤
To: Laura
You my sister are the definition of SUPER WOMAN and I am so proud of you. You've managed to really overcome some crazy shit in your life and somehow, I look at you, and you're still standing like a fucking bad ass! And you know, you're that bad ass. I thank you for being so willing to hear me and really mend things with me a few years ago. I appreciate that! Since then we've gotten closer and wiser together and I am really thankful for that. I am beyond proud of the dedication you take in being a dope ass mom to the kids. Keep being you, I see amazing things for you and I love you so much! ❤️
I'm curious to know if any of my listeners are the oldest, you know oldest of your gender, and what type of relationship you have with your siblings?
Wow this was a very emotional episode. WOW! 😢
I can say that relationships with mine can be better and I’m striving to do that one day. Because I do really love my siblings.
Let me know in my post titled Podcast Episode 2 what you feel that you can do better as a sibling or your story and obstacles you've had to endure in your sibling relationships. Also, I’d love to know if you have any topics you'd like to hear discussed in the future. Because I’m pretty much open to discussing anything you’d like to know. You can find that post by going to DIRECT.ME/THETRUTHFAIRY and click on Mini Blog Post. (PLEASE NOTE: That you can find the blog post right here. Just click the Blog tag above) You'll also find direct links to Self Help book recommendations and ways to get in contact with me directly if you’d like to. I’d really really love to hear from you.
So, I leave you for now with lots of love and fairy dust. Until next time. Thank you for listening
🖊️Signed, The Big Sister
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